being at His feet

It’s the second last lesson for BSF, and boy, what upsetting, strenuous 3, 4 months it has been. As evidenced by my previous posts, I could tell that I was becoming this awful, ugly person, one who had thought that it was my own hands that had brought me thus far, that had brought me all these pathetic successes at the workplace and with people—thinking I should rightfully lay claim to these wins as though they were all my own.

With that prideful sense of self, coupled with schemes of the evil one, I succumbed in mind, heart, and terrifyingly, spirit.

I was not at peace, conflicted, bitter, angry (wow this has been my most-used word for two weeks now, lol), and hopeless as though I were living with no God in the world. I remember attending a presentation on a research on the minimum income standard in sg, and it was so impactful and important research but I was disillusioned, and empty. Work had ceased, just ceased being meaningful or fulfilling. It had lost its purpose, and at the end of that work day, I remember attempting to draft a poem out of sheer moroseness—I was clearly in the throes. I look back and see that it was all His doing. That He had to draw me back to Himself, for I had prided myself on work, and saw the work He set me out to do as laughably bigger than the Source Himself.

Of course, in this time, I neglected people in my care, and people around me—both believers and non-believers, being such a sourface, depressed, and victimised (which was part true, but largely exacerbated by the evil one’s stronghold over my insecurities and weaknesses).

Last Tuesday at CDS, the question was posed: “Can you thank God for three things today?” And I was actually stumped. It made me realise how ungrateful and inward-looking I had become, that I hadn’t stopped to reflect on how much God has done in my life, and done for me. Romans had been constantly impressing this upon me but I guess it was harder to apply, and even tougher to pray this for myself. But I thank Him, for never ceasing to counsel, to comfort, to rebuke and to forgive. I am thankful to be His beloved.

A detailed summary of my workload, for posterity, is that we had to rush out production for the new book series. And I guess I bemoaned that I’d to work during my hk trip, but I could only blame the workload, and not my company itself because it was indeed my project and I was in that sense irresponsible to shirk and leave. But I knew I had to choose to go because like what I’d told my colleague, “if I die, at least I’m with my family.” And at the same time, having to assuage family’s complaints that I was working on a “holiday”?? Well, I survived—by His grace. Upon returning, I immediately returned to the grind, and we launched the series with a party, amidst struggling with the swf titles. And in that madness, God allowed for me to do that script. So i was doubly conflicted, doubly upset, doubly bitter for my colleagues who were in charge of the project didn’t hand over properly but gave me the work to do when I already had so much on my plate (nevermind all my preexisting issues with the team itself). Wow, I survived that—by His grace. I’m sure He has a plan anyway, for me to be involved, and I look forward to seeing how that shall be. So, it was just last week that I’d approved all my titles for print for swf. Really tight this time, but never say never in this line of work we call publishing.

Over the course of last week or so, God has chastised me and draw me back to Himself. I thank Him that He has truly enabled; I would have died so many times over, but He sustained me, and lifted me when I could no longer lift myself—and that was His point all along. I could never lift myself, for His view has to be the highest view ever in my life. If I ever thought myself righteous, or wise, or strong, I am wrong, for I have fallen short so great a depth. My priorities and vision had become affixed to the transient and material, when my King looked on and sighed at my unrepentance. I knew, I knew that He was watching, but like a stubborn, self-righteous petulant child, I cried in shock, and defiance, “Why are you disciplining me when I’ve done everything that is ‘right’?” “Shouldn’t you be punishing the rest? Where is the justice for your chosen one?” (Wow how impetuous, lol)

And so, the wisest of Fathers says, “I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” (John 15:5)

And indeed I could do nothing that was of eternal significance or pleasing to Him, without first abiding in His presence, kneeling at his feet, and not doing the lesser things—though they may be many and give the appearance of a ministry.

O perfect redeemer, how much more I have to learn, and how much more humble is our Lord Jesus Christ, who endured all in obedience. Not my will but Yours; He must increase, I must decrease.

And truly, His word says, “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” (1 Peter 5:10)

O what divine mercy! Help me to persevere, help me to look to Him, help me to listen, live and love as Christ has and does, and to pray, pray, pray. 

“Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” (James 5:16)