never in vain

Well, life does things, and you get hit with sad things, like sullen relationships, your own anxieties, duties that become stresses, and expectations leading to failings. These are all so commonplace and typical that it seems so foolish to be embroiled in them in the first place, now that you've written it down... But, life, does things.

Anyway, I've had two bad episodes since the last post. The second being very recent. Last night I went to BSF, and the thought that God had spurned me entered my brain, and it made me very sad, thinking if I'd cared more about gaining the approval of people than of Him. And I have to stop replaying all the negativity and possibly paranoia in my head, because the more I ponder, the lines that strike, lash once more. Then today, an intern passed me a note with a verse from 1 Corinthians 15:58:

So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless.

Which touched me, because my colleagues had been unusually cold, my family wasn't very attentive, and M at BSF couldn't really respond. I am thankful for His grace, through an acquaintance yet a sister-in-christ, and I am blessed. I just need to stick my head out of the gutter, and continue working for the Lord. Indeed, it must be that along the way, my bitterness and anger had stored up like vermin, eating all the good fruit that'd been stored inside me. And so I did my work with this inside of me, working as though they owed me a living, and not doing it because I was a servant of God. It is a shame that the non-christian in this conflict has shown more tolerance, and I have to admit it at this point. I bear my distrust and spite so deep within, it shows me how much I need the saving power of Jesus Christ. Oh Lord, put down my pride.

I pray that I can go back to being that naive, good-natured, unhardened youth. Uninfluenced by "wisdom" of this world, of being taken advantage of, or being not remunerated according to men's standards --- for aren't my provisions taken care of by the Lord? When did I start relying on men for security? When did I start relying on men for affirmation? When did I start comparing and hankering after status and men's approval? Why do I not submit? I pray for the spirit of thanksgiving, kindness, and goodness. To give out of my poverty, but from the riches of His true love. O Lord, create in me a clean heart.