4 years.

Recently, I posted a commemorative note on fb to mark my 4 years in the company. My boss said he's tracing the events in his head to see what led to this expounding. I didn't think he'd need to look very hard.

I was quite devastated today (ironically after a mini visualisation + breathing session by one of our psychologist/writer) after yet another reluctant impasse that had to do with, essentially, my rights versus company's well-being. This regretful incident comes on the heels of an impactful bsf lesson on the raising of Lazarus from the dead, which nourished and refreshed my soul (trapped in a tired body); so frankly, I've two thoughts about this.

First, the evil one's distracting me with embittered thoughts since I came out renewed from bsf. Or second, little pokes that tell me it's time to move. There's been a lot of spiritual battle going on recently, and I will be kidding myself if I feign not to sense it.

It's quite startling to flesh out that second thought, but year on year, my apparently resolved toxicity creeps back to haunt me when a fresh incident crops up. It's like stings that increase their venom with every new hit - how cursed.

I also wonder if I've been working for man's praise instead of remembering God in all these publishing work... that note grates on my ears now, especially because of recent events, and as far as I value books and a writer's craft, I wonder if I could give my all, indeed, my all to a secular company, as opposed to a christian cause.

So to be honest, ever since a certain christian contact - also in publishing - told me of a job opening in this christian publishing house early this year, my thoughts have flitted a little. Just very slightly, because I still believe I need to be responsible to the writers and contracts that I have undersigned on behalf of the company. Which makes me think - I'm never going to leave unless the company itself folds up, because editorial work will always be months and years ahead of the actual launch.

Work's been so inundating, I can't even take proper time-off.
But they don't get it. It's not about the hours or the money, it's about the impression, the perspective.

[Also, because I'm writing from a state and time where the emotions are still raw, this may be a biased, pessimistic and cynical view of things. I still sorta enjoy what I do, just. Just.]

Tomorrow's a new day, and I shall not let the sun go down on my anger. God's grace is sufficient for me, and He will my be stronghold and my defender. amen.