a night in June

Glencoyne Bay, Lake District, UK

For the first two weeks of May, we'd a really long, leisurely road trip around the UK, and it was a great break from work and life back home here.

I didn't realise how much I'd enjoyed escaping from the state of being connected, and in fact, had felt irresponsible that I'd completely unplugged, that I'd to deliberately check in wifi just to see if I'd urgent messages - which I had.

I wonder if it was also because in those two weeks, I'd no appointments, I needn't be fronting or representing any other entity - be it in a professional capacity, or as a evangelist, and could just be, well, unproductive. 

It's been a bit more than a month since that God-given break, and I've been sucked back into my routine. Yet, I don't say routine like it's a dispassionate, monotonous thing, it's just that constant working of the brain, reading manuscripts, being a cell group leader, and having to account to people and things... And I'm not saying these as though I was indispensable - nobody is - it's just having all these responsibilities. 

It's true I guess, one can become a trained extrovert. I hardly have alone time by myself, and my psyche sort of gets used to it. Like habit. 

I'm actually in a good place now. Having resolved all my past misgivings about my ideals of the work I do and the place I'm at. Very soon, I think I can relish once again in telling people that I read for a living, and feel proud saying that. At the same time, I need to continue to be grounded so that my position doesn't define me. Spiritually, I'm comfortable. But comfortable is a bad place to be. My recent prolonged bout of illness has taught me how malnourished my soul really was. Despite filling my head up with lyrical text, creative ideas, and people stories. These are not food. 

As a person, I believe I'm becoming more confident of who I am in Christ. I hesitate to say that I'm becoming comfortable in my own skin, because that's dangerous, complacent, and instinctive. It perpetuates a worldly valuation of identity, which is limiting, and frankly undervaluing who we really are as co-heirs of His Kingdom. If my identity was merely in my status, in my appearances, in my possessions, in my body, or in my sex, then it's a shame. If my identity is in my values, beliefs, and character vis-a-vis other identities, how much more reason to think beyond ourselves? And to see our lives as being more expansive, more meaningful, and more purposeful than solely self-indulging?

It is this newfound call of a communal spirit that I'm feeling displaced because of my introvert inclinations. Increasingly, I am experiencing a fervour for social justice, and building up special friendships, relationships that I sometimes ask myself if I can handle all of these little ties that bind. I hope I'm not being a farce...