tautologous soliloquy

I'm the blade
You're the knife
I'm the weight
You're the kite
They were right when they said
We were breathing underwater
Out of place all the time
In a world that wasn't mine to take
/
I'm the blade
You're the knife
I'm the weight
You're the kite
They were right when they said we should never meet our heroes
When they bowed at their feet, in the end it wasn't me
/
Nights are days
We'll beat a path through the mirrored maze
I can see the end
But it hasn't happened yet
I can see the end
But it hasn't happened yet
/
Is this my life?
Am I breathing underwater?

This morning I read an article about the 9/11's Falling Man, and how the iconic photo was one frame out of a burst shot, and the photographer chose that frame precisely because of its startling, provocative symmetry - the apparent grace with which the man was falling, like gravity had no pull on him. That photographic "proof" surmised interpretations of the man's actions, and along with those theories, people told themselves what they believed to be true.

For me, whatever the context, I just thought leaping to death, and falling with such calmness, was an enticing state of being altogether. It represented contentment, fearlessness and peace. To cross from chaos to zero - to nothing, with nothing, and for nothing would be, with the exception of heaven, a far better thing.

I've always known myself to be quite suicidal, and depressed, and sometimes I can't stand living at all, having this cross(es) to bear. I cry out from the depths, like now, and God helps me. But then I know these thoughts come back again, this wretched life returns, and every time, I feel like giving up, and just allowing myself to be taken over by the evil one (God forbid), because it seems good to not struggle for once (i am a fool, i do not know what i say). Some days I just want to get away from it all. And I ask how good it'll be if I never existed at all.

God help me.