Christmas 2015

So.

I was reading through all the past posts, up till about 2012 and wow, those have been really personal things that I'd written.

So.

I feel like I'm feeling my way around this post, as though I was reconnecting with an old friend, testing the waters, making small talk, trying to cross this unfathomable distance between myself and my blog. #psychoalert

So, really.

Things have changed, haven't they?

HAHA it's hilarious to say it -- happy I have a sense of humour -- because it's darn right obvious that life surprised us in a way that we'd never expected, and it's been a whirlwind of a year. To be honest, it's been a terrible year.

At least until October.

The last one and a half months: the cloud over me finally lifted and I've been feeling okay again. Thank God.

So, yes.

In 2015, my family had to adjust to having a baby in the house.

We went along, keeping it under wraps, adjusting by ourselves. Still dealing with hurt, still dealing with life. Wrestling with God, wrestling one another.

Work-wise, I was taking it badly because workload for me seemed to be increasing disproportionately and adding to that was my lack of leisure /self time at home. I realised I must have been dealing with pride in my workplace, in addition to my refusal to submit to authority, and my general negativity towards life -- I was digging my grave (like by wanting to quit) and lost sight of several things.

Mid-year, when we were still fumbling around, mother suffered from anxiety and that was quite a blow to the already exhausting, debilitating mood that I was mired in.

It was tough. The year was really heading south.

When I was probably about 9 or 10, she had once taught us a harsh lesson in never saying life was unfair and I'd learnt never to think that till this year, this age.

The coincidence was that we were studying the life of Moses in BSF, and like Moses, I was angry with my circumstances and, dare I say it, angry with God. (My group probably thought I was a self-righteous, prideful person who had no fear of God by confessing that [probably am]. Yes, I said it.)

But who else could it have been really?

If I'd hated life, and my circumstances so much, who else was I blaming except God?

My views of the church also changed; I was being very skeptical and morose and just a brat really. Believing that I had no sin, and I was not responsible for any of this, and yet have to bear such heavy responsibilities and make even greater sacrifices, and not being able to excel at work because my attitude had just completely taken a turn. I was probably depressed.

So one day, by God's grace, I decided to bawl and let it all out of my system.

I had gave up fighting -- and I gave it all up to God in a prayer that was so raw, so feeble and desperate. It was a surrender of myself, my situation and and my flesh to Him.

And in that instant, my heart became light and I believe that that was the peace of God that transcends all understanding.

This was what they mean when they say to let go, and let God.

Thinking back, I am just amazed at how much grace and mercy God has shown me even as I rebelled against Him, even as I proclaimed so defiantly that I was angry at Him. (I do not know what I say.)

Even things at work hold brighter prospects: it was only this month that there were some resolutions to my predicament at work. Almost like a vindication of whatever injustice I was going through (though I did think my family's situation was an attributing factor to my declining morale).
I do have some views on the church, but that's another discourse for another time.

But that with more grace, does sin abound?

Some days, some days.

Sigh, to be in this body of death.

But behold, His name is Immanuel, God with us /

I am with you always, to the end of the age.