Drowning but not sunk

This is Week 12 of school, second last week of the semester, and I am finally reaching the surface to catch a breather, if only for awhile.

Next week, 1 more essay, 1 more presentation,
1 more test, 1 more assignment before... final exams.
Is this the real life?

It has been insane.
Since Week 9 in fact, deadlines have just been hounding me every consecutive week.
My God, how you have sustained me.
And thank some kind friends for the concern, appreciate it.

So many things have happened at home, in school, in church and the hustling and bustling of it all really does make you lose yourself for awhile.
This is all going very fast.
And I am growing older.
And I feel jaded.

While my faith is intact, my sense of meaning in my life is partly contrary to the Word, I have to confess.
And I know it must be this that makes me feel the way I feel about life in general.

But more so, I am fully aware of the many demons that plague my vision and cause me to lose sight of the end.
Particularly, all that has happened these months have caused such a conflict within my soul.
To be in the world but not of the world- that, I know, is the ultimate benchmark and so very few cross it completely.
But I know where my loyalty lies.
I wish I would deny myself more cleanly, resolutely.

It is a shame to me that I should have spent a great deal of my life only battling demons and not doing any other good work.
I don't know if this will continue for another 10 years.
That would be pathetic.
But ending at 20, it would be gain, it would be gain.

Also fleeting through my mind is the future. I'd make friends from school who've had it all planned out and making life work for them and while I thought I might envy them, I was surprised I didn't. In fact, I felt the complete opposite of that. I guess that's comforting to realise - I know I'm not the captain of my ship. I am the ship. And it is peculiar because I have dreams still. Somehow, both can work together I guess.

I really think I'll be going into journalism, but seriously, looking at the work-life imbalance, my dreams fleet again. I'm thinking magazines, radio, and then design. Scrap design, I'm thinking writer writer writer, always writer. But what has writing ever done for you. How about Events? But I can't be arsed to think more deeply about my future if not for friends like these who coax me to anyway.

I am growing older and life needs to stop being a burden.
Did I spill the beans?
Really, it doesn't matter.
The captain of the ship I cannot see, but I trust Him completely.
I am going home.